Life update:
I will say, September I felt a lot better with the direction and mood my life was heading into. Then I re-downloaded dating apps and everything went to utter shit. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much dating apps can impact my general mood and concentration, but it’s such an easy way to get distracted, and it involves feelings which usually throw me off balance.
I literally have not done anything to work towards my goals, I’ve been so emotionally and mentally off balance, and it’s been ROUGH.
I hate that I can’t balance dating with other life things it’s so damn frustrating. The worst part is I’m still stuck with matching/talking, and I haven’t even really “dated” anyone.
UGH. I’ve been needing to rant and reflect on this.
My work life has been a mess, I’ve been a mess with my health, and my life suddenly became stagnant for 2-3 weeks because of the dating apps. Of course deep down I’m the problem, but the dating apps really amped up all my bad habits of sitting on my phone for hours and not doing anything. I also just feel generally shitty. Expecting to make a connection with someone, and not even getting any type of reply back can ruin the rest of my day.
Before dating apps gave me a lot of validation, but now it’s ruining my self esteem. I think things like “Am i really that bad and uninteresting that no one is interested enough in liking my profile back? Am i super repulsive that no one wants to go on a second date with me?”
Weirdly enough I was on such a high when I first downloaded the apps, but now I’m back to rock bottom with regards to my self esteem and anything in my life.
The worst part about October is that it’s the perfect time to try and make great changes in my life because my parents are gone and it leaves so much space in the home for me to get my shit together.
I’ve always had this fantasy that if I just lived alone, or if I had my own space, I’d make leaps and bounds towards a healthier lifestyle and good habits.
That has not happened. I’ve regressed even further. Because i have to eat and clean and maintain the house in addition to going out with friends, I’ve honestly gotten worse.
I don’t clean as much as I thought I would, I’m eating so unhealthily and sporadic that my energy is all over the place.
To be fair, I may be feeling like this the last week because of PMS. Deep down though I know it’s just me. I’ve been so obsessed with my phone and sitting and thinking and being so down on myself recently.
With all that being said, I would love to name some positives that occurred the last two weeks:
THE GOOD:
- Hanging out with friends!
I had my first night out in a long long time. I was absolutely smashed and messed up. I’m glad I had that experience because I was romanticizing a wild night out, and now that I’ve had one I never want one again. I’m satisfied with my more wholesome days out. I also had a charcuterie board with my good friends! it was a lovely wholesome activity.
2. Trying to go out on dates
Even though my experiences have been in a negative light…its because I went out with someone and i thought they were really cute. They did not like me, and never reached out after even though they asked for socials. I think all my built up dating app frustration exploded after realizing I can be super attracted to someone (finally!!!!!) but that doesn’t mean that they’ll be interested or attracted to me.
This was something I learned early in the year, but I didn’t find the man too physically attractive so I was frustrated, but not to a point where I was super super upset and hopeful at the same time.
It was heartbreaking because I find it so hard to be interested in someone physically, and now that I was I was so…smitten (Lol i feel so old saying that) and he didn’t like me…it sucked.
Now I’m slowly accepting that it was the idea that of that person that really hooked me in, and the possibility of finally finally having a relationship (kind of crazy to expect after one week of casual chatting and one quick date). But I’m tired!! And I want a relationship now!!! And it’s okay to be dissappointed its normal! We are human, we feel things and we can’t be super nonchalant and detached all the time.
It embarrassingly took me over a week to get over that one date. To be fair though, it was the idea of finally meeting someone i liked that smacked me in the face. It’s so hard to be detached from dating because it’s a really personal thing to try and make connections with random strangers. It takes 30 hours of spending time together to be friends though apparently. So…one hour is NOT enough LOL.
So while I had a really really hard time with dating apps this time around, it was still a learning experience on finding a balance with my entire life before being all consumed with dating and the idea of men.
3. Making new friends!!!!
My dance friends are honestly amazing wonderful people. I’m so glad that I met them, and i’ll keep trying to make new friends and a new community around me. It’s been very slow, but fortunately really steady connection! They’re such wonderful and introspective humans its a blessing to be around them.
4. FUN FUN FUN events!!
I went to an LA pop up event with my friend!! It’s was honestly so much fun, and I love spending time with that friend in a new setting. The pop up is just so fun. I love experiencing new things like that.
5. Therapy!!!
A big goal has been met!!! I went to a therapy assessment! And I was so happy. It went much better than the first therapist. I think this is a big goal that was on my mind!!! and i did it!!! I’m so relieved. She also thinks I have adhd. I’ve been thinking the same for months. I’m so so relieved and I’m excited to get the help I need.
6. Dance
My dance hobby has been such a lovely life saver. It’s given me so much joy and light that I’ve never felt before. I’ve always wanted to dance, and now that I can I always feel so content and happy after every class!!
You know after writing out the good, it feels good to realize I’ve prioritized connecting with others. I know I have to reign it in and start applying to grad schools, start life planning, and working on daily habits, but human connection is so so important for feeling like you have a purpose in this world. I know I’ve been frustrated, but I will do my best to keep going and working on myself.
I have a lot of hope, I really want to work on my goals, and while I feel like no progress has progressed, I think there are some baby steps and growth that’s happened within the past couple months.
I hope this fall season will treat you all well. thanks y’all.
-hikae
= h i k a e = 
Rooting for you! You can do it!
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